32.1869 kilometers. Why?

My biggest running week yet. You're probably doing math right now and wondering why I used the metric system to tell you of this irrelevant achievement(or more likely, you don't give a shit). The answer being that I want to appear more worldly and desirable to the international female demographic of my reader base(all 1 of them? If I’m lucky).

It’s actually not all that impressive of a number. Thousands of marathoners probably did that or a greater distance on a training run or race this morning. Still, for a fledgling runner it marks a plateau reached and one I’ve fought hard for.

Why did I do it?

Wednesday I ran 5 miles. Thursday my legs ached so I went out and ran 8 miles.

Why did I do it?

My feet ache

Why did I do it?

My knees ache

Why did I do it?

My toe hurts (Ok, I guess dropping a bar of soap on your toe in the shower doesn't count. BTW this was not a prison shower so all was safe).

Why did I do it?

I am not this person. I am not an athlete. I should be sitting on the sofa eating a Big Kahuna Burger and watching Firefly Reruns (Rather than sitting at a desk, watching New Jack City and typing a blog about sitting on the sofa eating Big Kahuna Burgers. WTF?). I am a lazy guy. I do not run, bike and lift....errr, well, I shouldn't be doing that stuff.

I honestly don’t know why I put myself through this torture. I don’t know what I’m running towards or away from. I don’t know why I felt it important to run 20 miles in a week. I don’t know why I will be running 22 in a few weeks. I know I will be, but I don’t know why…..

I have an addiction

Shoes, WTF? This seems like an ailment more often afflicting the ladies(I’m not stereotyping. I hired a team of scientists and did a 1000 person case study and base my statements on empirical evidence, or just made it up). Perhaps that means I’m a lady(And a pretty damn grizzly looking one at that)? I performed a test via some websites that are so top secret their domain suffix has to be masked with .xxx and have concluded the aforementioned theory is invalid leaving me with but one conclusion. Running shoes are laced with some sort of substance that makes me need more.

They feel awesome in the store (The New Shoe Placebo Effect). Take them home and run. OMFG, these are the greatest shoes ever. Then there’s 50 miles later. They are a bit too narrow, too soft, too firm, all the things that didn’t happen in the store. So back to the store you go and you try on some more shoes and OMFG these feel amazing (I swear it’s a drug or something) so you buy them. Rinse and repeat.

I can’t stop. I feel like Pookie when he says “The shit just be callin’ me”. Do I need some sort of shoe methadone? Maybe I should score a pair of Cheeseburger Chucks to wean me off the running shoes?

How about you?

Race Report

I had this thought. I do that on occasion although they’re predominantly useless ones(as today’s most likely is). If they let all the runners start the race before all the walkers, we wouldn’t have to jam on the brakes to keep from accidentally sodomizing strangers who are intentionally moving slower than us. I know, CRAZY TALK you’re thinking but I tell you, it could work. Of course if the walkers didn’t line up at the front of the pack next to Jesse Owen’s grandchildren(assuming you don’t walk a 4 minute mile), this problem would also kind of solve itself, but I digress(Can I say that before I’ve gotten on subject? Oh well, I can say it now).

It’s like something went snap. it was summer and we were battling 95 degree heat indexes with 6700 percent humidity and then boom! Windy, chilly, basically a Winnie The Poohish Blustery day. 49 degrees, windy, drizzly. Pretty much some pretty crappy weather for standing around waiting for a race to start. Very comfortable however for racing(after a mile or two at least).

I managed to find Robbie and his family as I was walking in from the car. We hung out for awhile, and of course waited in long lines to use the water closets, also known as “Porta Potties” with big bowls of blue aromatherapy liquid exuding the lovely smell of the park in the morning. Hang around a bit, locate the starting line, look at the time, and OH SHIT!.....

So it’s 8:51 AM and my headphones are in the car some half a mile away. Great job Captain Jackass. I’ve never run without music and I don’t think a new race is the time to try a new approach. Off I bound, in the opposite direction of all the people arriving late. Make it to my car and back to the starting line a minute or two late, huffing and puffing. Fortunately, the race was late as they usually are and I had a few minutes to catch my breath as the Star Spangled Banner was sung and they gave some information that I couldn’t hear.

It was actually a rather routine but hard run. There was a monster hill(or what you experienced runners probably call a speed bump) but it was short and I crested it before I gassed out. A couple more little hills and it was downhill and flat sailing to the end. I actually got to spend a couple of miles running and chatting with a couple of ladies from run club and then later, a guy who trains with Robbie at the local Fleet Feet for a marathon.  It really took my mind off the fact that I was keeping up a pace I’ve never come close to at distance(and 6.2 miles to me is still a distance run). In the end, I met my goal of completing the race without the need to walk and in under an hour. Official time is 58:04 with a 9:21 pace.

One interesting point of note(Interesting to me. You don’t actually have to read this garbage): My heart rate topped out at 201 today. Pretty impressive for a guy with a theoretical max heart rate of 173. My best guess is that one fart (which fortunately turned out to only be a fart. You’d understand if you were a runner), may have propelled me briefly, allowing me to operate in excess of my factory specifications, for a short time, in some sort of bio-mechanical turbocharger kind of thing. I’m going with this theory as I like it much more than the obvious answer of both your HR monitor and the max heart rate formulas are mere approximations.

PICS:

This guy is crazy. I had to have a pic with him. His girlfriend had on the identical outfit. The things we will do!

The chocolate chip bagel and chocolate moo juice, post race satisfied look

It's hard to see but the date is 10/17/15. I actually ran so fast (88 MPH I assume) that I was able to time travel. That's badass. Chicks dig guys who can time travel, probably.

Mini Marathons. I got my you in my sights!

The Butt. An amazing scientific discovery

That’s right. It isn’t just for trying to look like you aren’t looking at it, the rump has roles in society. It’s the mount point for the hinges that hold your legs(big fan). Your body’s counterweight and waste product pumping station. It’s the swivel point for your torso and it houses the largest muscle in the body(Sorry guys. I Googled it multiple times and can’t get the answer I’d hoped for), the Gluteus Maximus. Then there’s my favorite function. It allows the body to rest upon it while distributing your weight for maximum comfort. Knowing how luck runs in my world, this is naturally where the problem begins(I can, and probably do, use this sentence in just about every blog post)….

When used outside of manufacturer's specifications, the butt doesn’t always perform at peak efficiency(yeah, this could go really South from here but probably won’t. It’s morning and I’m not drinking). An example might be attempting to minimize the surface area of weight distribution when seated. Please refer to the below image and explanation of the problem.

In the picture on the left, you see a properly designed device that utilizes the weight distribution features of the posterior. The image on the right is a medieval torture device that is designed to cause discomfort, make you walk like a cowboy and the use of qualifies as an illegal act in 36 states(a fabricated metric). The latter image being the default interface point of my newest cross training toy….

Cycling seems rather fun but is also designed to test your level of comfort(or discomfort) in your own skin. A great example of this is the below image.

That’s about as outside as you will ever see me in those shorts. I could not make it out of the breezeway before declaring “F*** this”. I’ve been rockin’ a pair of running shorts on top for those ever since(For those who don't know, cycling shorts have padding in them to reduce the torture thus why I don't just forego them entirely).

I must admit, I find cycling to be pretty enjoyable. Put in just over 21 miles with my friend Rick yesterday. It’s not a bad workout, keeps you cooler than running, and certainly poops you out just as efficiently. This is a good cross-training choice for me because, let’s be honest, even I’d bet on me getting another running injury and this is a nice backup.

Swimming with Pterodactyls and Titanic survivors   

With knee recovery going well, I decided to up my game and add in some cross training.  Got me some board shorts, a 2 week free membership to the YMCA and off we go...

Now the challenge here is I haven’t swam in 30 years.  I’m fairly sure I remember how to stay afloat but to actually swim the crawl stroke, not so much. Now I have become athletic in the last year and was a pretty decent swimmer in my younger days, I figured I’d have some natural ability. I estimate my aquatic prowess lands somewhere between Michael Phelps and Dennis Nedry. I’ll let you guess which side of that scale I lean towards (Hint: Michael Phelps has probably never Googled how to swim). So to begin with, I was lacking confidence.

It was a Sunday morning. The reported slowest time in the pool. I walked in planning to give this a try and that’s when I saw it. The pool was full of Titanic survivors in pink rubber bathing caps and green inflatable, prehistoric wings on their arms. There are multiple ones of them in each lap swimming lane. They were circle swimming, while performing the 10 minute lap doggie paddle. My confidence in this plan went through the floor and without missing a beat, put a whole lot of gone between myself and that place.

Hmmmm. New plan needed:

I was lying on my bed taking a bit of a rest when it hit me. I’m not sure how exactly a cat tail to the face brought me to this conclusion but cycling was the answer!

More on that soon…...

******

I'm back to my nearly 18mile/week regimen and the legs are feeling great. Going to hang out at this distance for several weeks (with a 7 mile long run) until after the great pumpkin 10K. Gonna do some hill practice, strides and Fartleking until then.

Note: The workout data on the second tab thing isn't working out. Just need to figure out how to do it without shitting up the main feed page.

RACE REPORT

Louisville Pure Tap 5K

The smell of high octane racing fuel. The ear shattering sounds of high performance engines firing up, the screaming of fans, tailgate parties. Ah the sights and sounds of race day. Unfortunately there were none of those yesterday.

Wet grass,  chilly breeze off the river, DJ playing bad music with lots of thumping bass, a giant water cup mascot who looks like he won a Master Shake look alike contest and enough colored shoes(Most of which can be seen in the above photo) to make Roy G Biv smile. That’s a typical foot race morning. Still rather exciting.

It was a wonderful day for everyone involved. PRs all around. It was especially sweet for Basil. He completed the Couch to 5K program while running his first 5K race. Big congratulations to him and welcome to your addiction!! Both Robbie and I finished in 26:03 with an 8:21 pace. In fact, we crossed the finish line side by side(took a bit of an extra sprint in the end to pull that off. He was about 30 feet up on me). Hopefully there are race photos because it would be pretty cool! And the icing on the cake is both Robbie’s Wife and Father are walkers who PRd. This was an epic morning.

This was the acid test of my knee recovery. Downhill is what caused my latest issue(with some help from laying around the house after surgery). This race had a half mile down hill run(naturally only after climbing up it). I experienced no discomfort. The knee was solid as a rock. Still ached a little last night but we are close to 100%. The surgery knee already is at 100%. Onward and upward.

Next Race: The Great Pumpkin 10K. It will be both Robbie and my first 10k race and in a very serene and beautiful park.

*****

Accountability must happen:

All this stuff is moving to "Battle Logs" page found from the tab/link at the top.

The great Kale fail

As part of my pay week routine, I stopped at my local supermarket after my Saturday run then workout. It was a typical trip. Take the long way around the store to gain extra steps. Carefully check ring fingers for the single female shoppers. Give the smile and nod to those who meet criteria while keeping the minimum distance required to diffuse my post gym sexy aroma of fermented running socks and dried sweat. Little did I know, this day was about to take a tragic turn.

I open the freezer door to grab my bi-weekly stock of Birdseye Steamfresh Chopped Kale. This stuff is amazing. I'd have to say it's even better than free porn(which is clearly a bold faced lie. Very little is better than free porn). The problem being that it wasn't there. Not an empty shelf but was replaced with some other frozen non Kaleish crap.

My breathing became labored as panic set in. I dropped to one knee, hands outstretched to the sky(Which in this particular case was an unfinished ceiling full of rafters, heat vents and bug encrusted skylights), as I cried WHY GOD WHY (because who doesn't appeal to a deity with their cruciferous vegetables woes?)!

As I lay there in the middle of the aisle bawling, a manager approached me to help resolve the situation. She showed me the store brand Kale but alas it wasn't microwave steamable. I did my best to explain to her that putting a bag in the magicwave and pushing 4-3-0 <Start> is pretty much the pinnacle of my cooking achievements. I am not yet sure if my appeal was sucessful.

Please, oh please, bring my Steamfresh Kale back for I am a lost soul without it!


NOTE: Portions of this story may employ a small amount of artistic license (where small = a ShitFuckTon<it's called CamelCase. Look it up>)

******

The technical junk

8/31
Run: 4.01 Miles. 10:03 Pace. 177 SPM. Knee felt good but it was very flat surface. I feel it hurt whenever I use any sort of lateral stability. We aren't healed yet but making ground.

Basic Leg Routine
One legged balance: :30 each leg
Twisting Lunge: 6x each leg
Single-leg Deadlift: 5x each leg
One legged Alphabet spell: A-M each leg

Dumbbell Y Raises: 1x10 @15lb
Dumbbell T Raises: 1x10 @15lb
Dumbbell W Raises: 1x10 @15lb
Dumbell Bench Press: 3x8@120lb (60lb dumbbells),
Pull Ups: 1x4, 1x4(40lb assist), 1x3(40lb assist)
Push-ups: 3x10
Planks: 3x:30

Weekly Mileage: 4.01 miles
Miles to Mordor: 1445.61


9/1
Standard Core Routine: 2 sets
Bicycle: 10 x each leg
Plank: :30
Marching Bridge: :60
Side Plank: :30 each side.
Bird Dogs: 10

Yoga: Water Series B


9/2
Posted 02 September 2015 - 10:25 PM
Run: 5.01 miles. 10:29 pace, 170 spm (I think this messed up by my times grabbing my water bottle and drinking pooched my cadence). It was hot. Hot as balls. 95 degree heat index (35C). Hottest I've run in but I got that 5 mile barrier rebeaten and the knees feel pretty good.

Basic Leg Routine
One legged balance: :30 each leg
Twisting Lunge: 6x each leg
Single-leg Deadlift: 5x each leg
One legged Alphabet spell: A-M each leg


Dumbell Bench Press: 3x8@120lb (60lb dumbbells),
Pull Ups: 1x2, 2xlower plus hang. Not much steam for pull ups after today's run LOL
Push-ups: 3x10
Planks: 3x:30

Weekly Mileage: 9.02 miles
Miles to Mordor: 1440.60


9/3
Recovery Run: 3.00 miles. 10:23 pace, 175 spm

Basic Leg Routine
One legged balance: :30 each leg
Twisting Lunge: 6x each leg
Single-leg Deadlift: 5x each leg
One legged Alphabet spell: A-M each leg

Weekly Mileage: 12.02 miles
Miles to Mordor: 1437.60


9/4
Standard Core Routine: 2 sets
Bicycle: 10 x each leg
Plank: :30
Marching Bridge: :60
Side Plank: :30 each side.
Bird Dogs: 10


9/5
Weight went up 2-3 pounds as I predicted. Turns out my Fitbit Aria is broken and isn't calibrating. I probably wasn't really 200 last week(Warranty replacement is on the way). Waist finally dropped half an inch. YES!

Weight - 202.9
Body Fat - 20.8
BMI - 28.1
Shoulders - 46
Neck - 16
Chest - 43
Bicep right - 12.5
Bicep - left - 12.5
Waist - 38.5
Hips - 38
Thigh - right - 21.5
Thigh - left - 21.5


Run: 4.01 miles. 9:35 pace, 179 SPM. Beautiful negative splits. 10:19, 9:55, 9:17. 8:47. Only one tiny spike of knee discomfort. The healing is going well. Nice cool (relative statement) 8:am run.

Basic Leg Routine
One legged balance: :30 each leg
Twisting Lunge: 6x each leg
Single-leg Deadlift: 5x each leg
One legged Alphabet spell: A-M each leg

Dumbbell Y Raises: 1x10 @15lb
Dumbbell T Raises: 1x10 @15lb
Dumbbell W Raises: 1x10 @15lb
Dumbell Bench Press: 3x8@120lb (60lb dumbbells),
Pull Ups: 1x4, 1x3, 1x1
Push-ups: 3x10
Planks: 3x:30
Hay Bales: 3x10 @8lb ball
Bodyweight Squats: 3x15


Weekly Mileage: 16.03 miles
Miles to Mordor: 1433.59