When the shit goes down - AKA Race report n'stuff
For years, my master bedroom's bathroom toilet has been broken (literally). The porcelain was cracked (most likely from my formerly gargantuan sized ass) rendering the Throne of Running Contemplation in disrepair. With the upcoming Kentucky Derby Festival Minimarathon, I felt it important to return my kingdom to its lost glory so I can prepare for my race with my post coffee, oatmeal and quinoa ritual in it's proper place, lest it manifest it's rage around mile 8 (Portolet. A shitty<OMG he did it again> alternative).
It was actually not that difficult a task. A friend explained how to change it out and it's fairly straight forward. I must admit the wax ring was a bit on the disgusting side once I learned it's actual use (I was rather appalled at the flavor when I initially thought it was a free donut).
In the end, the kingdom of HolyCrapThisGuyIsSlow has been returned to what it once was and here I sit upon my throne as I would later do, finally at peace, in preparation for my great race.
The Night Before - AKA Race Preparation:
* Pick up race packet: Check (ok, I actually did this Thursday but the list ended up a bit short)
* Eat dinner: Make sure and use the race as justification to consume way more carbs than you should.
* Take Girlfriend for Horse and Buggy Ride: Check
* Bottle our own bourbon: Because, well, BOURBON!!
* Get car slammed into: Make sure this is done at an hour you should already be home and in bed sleeping so you can invent new vulgarities as you wait for the police to arrive.
Jim Beam Urban Stillhouse Select
Ain't that a bitch?
So we're lined up in the chute. There are approximately eleventeen million people around us and we are 5 minutes from the gun. I commented (like an idiot) that Karri had the tag on the outside of her running shorts(Problem #1). She was not pleased with this knowledge (but not upset at me for the observation). Bathrooms? In 5 minutes? NOT. We are in the middle of a colossal croud.....
I don't know if everyone has a girlfriend with no inhibitions or I just hit the jackpot but I assure you she has a level of braveness that I don't aspire to achieve. Another way to say this might be that she dropped trou in front of anyone who wanted to watch and rectified the situation. SHE ROCKS!! Amazingly, nobody seemed to notice or care. Ahh runners.
Within a mile into the race, Karri discovered her new hydration belt (no, this was not her first time wearing it) was not tight enough (Problem #2). The designers of this particular belt decided to use an adjustment system that requires a combination of Origami, Thumb Wrestling and Brazilian Jujitsu, all rather difficult to perform while running. As she was attempting to remedy this, my FlipBelt bottle flew out the back of my belt(Problem #3), assaulting a fellow runner. I had to turn around, slalom back to it, and catch back up to Karri. I had to carry that thing another 4 miles until it was empty. (YAY) She hadn't had the greatest success in her quest to adjust her belt while running in my absence. I offered to stop while she did it but she wasn't having any of that(things are going wonderfully so far, eh?). She finally gave up. Naturally this happened only after the whole mess gave her a tension headache(problem #4) to stack on top of the back discomfort(Problem #5) a bouncy belt was causing.
...And then the rain came(Yeah, I love those "...and then" transitions. /shrug). it actually wasn't that bad so I wont increment the "problem number". In fact, I was feeling pretty overheated in the run and found the rain (beginning in mile 3 or 4) to be rather relaxing. Of course 7 or 8 miles later, my shirt sticking to my, well, pretty much everything, got a bit irritating(but due to gobs upon gobs of Body Glide, it was only emotionally irritating. As for the bouncy belt battalion, I wont comment if the rain caused any ill effects) .
So about mile 10, it was my turn. My feet just started throbbing, and throbbing, and throbbing(Problem #6). I considered stopping but that meant walking 3 miles in the rain which didn't sound so fun in 59 degrees. I decided to fight. Karri had also been fighting for the whole race but despite my repeated offers to walk some, she stubbornly pushed through. She's tougher than I am!
In the end, we crossed the finish line having never stopped to walk or rest and beat our 2:10 goal with a 2:08:03 and a 2:08:04. I'm not sure how she beat me but clearly she employed her feminine wiles to trick me into tanking at the finish line! <cackle>
I must say I was impressed that she ran the whole distance in discomfort without even once getting grumpy or grouchy with me,...... and I shall stick to that story for the duration of time in which I wish to remain in this relationship(Truth be told "Bitchiness factor" was a phrase of her own speaking so I'm probably not really in the doghouse).
And finally, for your entertainment, I perch upon my throne, overlooking my kingdom as I don my crown and scepter