I've fallen and I CAN get up

That’s right, you heard me. I blew it, fell off the wagon, screwed the pooch, had sex on my back(you know. F***ed up?).

I know what you’re thinking.  This can’t be possible! Dilnad is a demigod. He’s infallible. If he had hair it would never stop blowing in the sphere of hero wind that constantly surrounds him. He has to wear sunglasses indoors because the sun still shines on him. Assuming this is true, I must come to one of the following conclusions….

• You don’t know me at all!
• You huff paint
• You’re blind (still working on this one)
• You’re a pretty, single woman who has free climbed Mt Gullibility in which case I’d love to take to dinner in Monaco on my private jet. FYI - wearing panties can cause air sickness. Just sayin’. (Please let this be the answer, and someone loan me a jet)

The truth is I did screw up, And I have screwed up in the past. Getting healthy isn’t easy!

So the half marathon totally fried my legs. Running 40% further than you ever have can have that effect. I pretty much had to take the whole week off from running. Add to that my need to take things light on lifting due to a minor rotator cuff injury and diet was critically important. Naturally my brain interpreted this to mean, “eat like shit” and who am I to turn down a challenge? It started with all the free pre-Halloween goodies at the office.  Bad decisions ensued. Beefy Logs, Cheesy Poofs, Gahagafaga, crappy restaurant decisions. It went on for nearly the whole week. Naturally I’m back, running, strength training and eating healthy. This isn’t the first time I went on a bender. Probably won’t be the last. No harm done. Well, maybe a tiny pride hit.

You know what? It’s OK to screw up. Really! There’s no reset counter in health and fitness. You can start again as many times as you like. We all do. The important part is you must see when you've gone astray and you need to stop it, and stop it immediately. You have to gather the courage and declare “HEY! THESE FLOORS ARE DIRTY AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!” (Holy shit! A Stanley Spadowski reference! That should be a triple word score in the blogosphere!)and then act on it! Clean things up, and do it now!

No matter how bad your screw up was, it just doesn’t matter. What you did yesterday is done, over, fin. or in the almighty words of Mr Spock “The matter has been rendered academic”. What we must do is shake it off, just like an Etch A Sketch, and start over. WIN!

Race Report: Did that just happen?

13.1. You’ve seen the sticker (maybe) but what does it mean?

The Layman:

WTF is that? A radio station???

Bible Verse?

Genital measurement(probably metric)?

The Runner:

Do you have beer and wings?

Follow me to the nearest physical therapist

Chocolate milk kicks ass

DUDE! I completed a half marathon!! (13.1 miles)

Why put it on your car?

I didn’t understand myself before yesterday(But I knew I had to have one)....

I had the rare opportunity to run the Urban Bourbon Half Marathon yesterday. I was not prepared for this whatsoever. My long run was a smidgen north of 8 miles. The plan was to run my first half in April (the next one we have here) but due to the generosity of my employer, I had the opportunity to participate for free (Free? Big fan!!). It was obvious I’d need to walk or even take a short rest stop to do this but I was determined.

It started out like a typical race. Running on cold legs that bitched every inch of the first mile or two and then finally hit a relaxed run. I was running with the Fleet Feet 2:20 pacers(They will adjust their run to cross the finish line at the 2:20 mark. if you run with them, so will you) and everything was going smoothly. At mile 4 we entered Cherokee Park. I’m used to, and actually(or masochistically) enjoy, the hills there so I’d just relax and cruise through them. I was not however,  familiar with Barrett Hill. That sucker was brutal. There was actually fire shooting out of my calves(true story, probably) but I muscled up it(pseudopun not intended Crossfitters). After that, the rest of the park wasn’t so bad.

Next thing you know, we are passing 8 miles and I’m in new territory. All the way along the pacers were cheering me on(we ended up a very small group). Telling me they aren’t letting me drop behind (not that I actually was). Just generally non stop motivating. They even kept me chatting some about running to take my mind off the distance(which I was declaring as a countdown on the miles to free bourbon scale). When we hit 10 miles I began telling myself that all I gotta do is run a 5K. I do that for a quick recovery run now. No problem….. Yes problem. My calves were cramping and crying and my feet were throbbing ridiculously but I was so damn close. I had to fight my way across the finish line but I crossed it with my pacers in 2:19:43 with a 10:39 avg pace. Certainly not fast but I RAN A HALF MARATHON!!! Not bad for an 8 mile runner.

Crossing the finish line is an unbelievable feeling. A wave of emotion I simply cannot explain. I can only imagine what it feels like after 26.2(but faint at the concept of getting there). Next time I see either one of those stickers, I’ll understand the joy the driver felt and will hopefully get a warm fuzzy.

The finish line goodies were the icing on the cake (there was no cake but they did have a truck selling bacon covered frosted donuts). Water, Powerade, chocolate milk(The beloved moo juice!), bagels, four free bourbon tastings, a beer(The line was almost as long as the bathroom line before the race), slice of pizza, and a cup of Burgoo.

PS: I can't say enough good about the Fleet Feet pace team. There is just no way I'd have been able to fight my way through had it not been for those ladies. Hats off to team 2:20!

PICS!!!

Showing off my hand dipped in wax, Evan Williams Bourbon Bottle finisher's medal.

Because why not?

Robbie and I, another one down. Was with him for his first 5K, both of our first 10K and now our first half. What's next? His wife Laura also did a virtual 5k for charity along with us. No pic of her because she's our official photographer and on the other side of the camera but trust me, she rules!!

Look who I ran in to? Theresa was there to support our friend Marci(Or so I thought). Marci also completed her first half today. Couldn't find her after the race but did run in to her back at the parking ramp. I suspect she's feeling as achy as I am today(She's getting her own 13.1 sticker at work tomorrow. Hope she doesn't read this today). Well surprise, not only was Theresa prepared to cheer for Marci but she had myself and our corporate team in mind as well (she made 3 signs). She kicks ass! Thanks Theresa!!!

.....and the word of the day is:

32.1869 kilometers. Why?

My biggest running week yet. You're probably doing math right now and wondering why I used the metric system to tell you of this irrelevant achievement(or more likely, you don't give a shit). The answer being that I want to appear more worldly and desirable to the international female demographic of my reader base(all 1 of them? If I’m lucky).

It’s actually not all that impressive of a number. Thousands of marathoners probably did that or a greater distance on a training run or race this morning. Still, for a fledgling runner it marks a plateau reached and one I’ve fought hard for.

Why did I do it?

Wednesday I ran 5 miles. Thursday my legs ached so I went out and ran 8 miles.

Why did I do it?

My feet ache

Why did I do it?

My knees ache

Why did I do it?

My toe hurts (Ok, I guess dropping a bar of soap on your toe in the shower doesn't count. BTW this was not a prison shower so all was safe).

Why did I do it?

I am not this person. I am not an athlete. I should be sitting on the sofa eating a Big Kahuna Burger and watching Firefly Reruns (Rather than sitting at a desk, watching New Jack City and typing a blog about sitting on the sofa eating Big Kahuna Burgers. WTF?). I am a lazy guy. I do not run, bike and lift....errr, well, I shouldn't be doing that stuff.

I honestly don’t know why I put myself through this torture. I don’t know what I’m running towards or away from. I don’t know why I felt it important to run 20 miles in a week. I don’t know why I will be running 22 in a few weeks. I know I will be, but I don’t know why…..

I have an addiction

Shoes, WTF? This seems like an ailment more often afflicting the ladies(I’m not stereotyping. I hired a team of scientists and did a 1000 person case study and base my statements on empirical evidence, or just made it up). Perhaps that means I’m a lady(And a pretty damn grizzly looking one at that)? I performed a test via some websites that are so top secret their domain suffix has to be masked with .xxx and have concluded the aforementioned theory is invalid leaving me with but one conclusion. Running shoes are laced with some sort of substance that makes me need more.

They feel awesome in the store (The New Shoe Placebo Effect). Take them home and run. OMFG, these are the greatest shoes ever. Then there’s 50 miles later. They are a bit too narrow, too soft, too firm, all the things that didn’t happen in the store. So back to the store you go and you try on some more shoes and OMFG these feel amazing (I swear it’s a drug or something) so you buy them. Rinse and repeat.

I can’t stop. I feel like Pookie when he says “The shit just be callin’ me”. Do I need some sort of shoe methadone? Maybe I should score a pair of Cheeseburger Chucks to wean me off the running shoes?

How about you?

Race Report

I had this thought. I do that on occasion although they’re predominantly useless ones(as today’s most likely is). If they let all the runners start the race before all the walkers, we wouldn’t have to jam on the brakes to keep from accidentally sodomizing strangers who are intentionally moving slower than us. I know, CRAZY TALK you’re thinking but I tell you, it could work. Of course if the walkers didn’t line up at the front of the pack next to Jesse Owen’s grandchildren(assuming you don’t walk a 4 minute mile), this problem would also kind of solve itself, but I digress(Can I say that before I’ve gotten on subject? Oh well, I can say it now).

It’s like something went snap. it was summer and we were battling 95 degree heat indexes with 6700 percent humidity and then boom! Windy, chilly, basically a Winnie The Poohish Blustery day. 49 degrees, windy, drizzly. Pretty much some pretty crappy weather for standing around waiting for a race to start. Very comfortable however for racing(after a mile or two at least).

I managed to find Robbie and his family as I was walking in from the car. We hung out for awhile, and of course waited in long lines to use the water closets, also known as “Porta Potties” with big bowls of blue aromatherapy liquid exuding the lovely smell of the park in the morning. Hang around a bit, locate the starting line, look at the time, and OH SHIT!.....

So it’s 8:51 AM and my headphones are in the car some half a mile away. Great job Captain Jackass. I’ve never run without music and I don’t think a new race is the time to try a new approach. Off I bound, in the opposite direction of all the people arriving late. Make it to my car and back to the starting line a minute or two late, huffing and puffing. Fortunately, the race was late as they usually are and I had a few minutes to catch my breath as the Star Spangled Banner was sung and they gave some information that I couldn’t hear.

It was actually a rather routine but hard run. There was a monster hill(or what you experienced runners probably call a speed bump) but it was short and I crested it before I gassed out. A couple more little hills and it was downhill and flat sailing to the end. I actually got to spend a couple of miles running and chatting with a couple of ladies from run club and then later, a guy who trains with Robbie at the local Fleet Feet for a marathon.  It really took my mind off the fact that I was keeping up a pace I’ve never come close to at distance(and 6.2 miles to me is still a distance run). In the end, I met my goal of completing the race without the need to walk and in under an hour. Official time is 58:04 with a 9:21 pace.

One interesting point of note(Interesting to me. You don’t actually have to read this garbage): My heart rate topped out at 201 today. Pretty impressive for a guy with a theoretical max heart rate of 173. My best guess is that one fart (which fortunately turned out to only be a fart. You’d understand if you were a runner), may have propelled me briefly, allowing me to operate in excess of my factory specifications, for a short time, in some sort of bio-mechanical turbocharger kind of thing. I’m going with this theory as I like it much more than the obvious answer of both your HR monitor and the max heart rate formulas are mere approximations.

PICS:

This guy is crazy. I had to have a pic with him. His girlfriend had on the identical outfit. The things we will do!

The chocolate chip bagel and chocolate moo juice, post race satisfied look

It's hard to see but the date is 10/17/15. I actually ran so fast (88 MPH I assume) that I was able to time travel. That's badass. Chicks dig guys who can time travel, probably.

Mini Marathons. I got my you in my sights!